Conversations about values and wishes for their estate are as important as the planning itself.
For those with aging parents, financial missteps or age-related health concerns may prompt you to wonder whether they have an estate plan in place. It’s not uncommon for older adults to neglect to share details about their estates or their estate plans with their adult children. Unfortunately, that lack of communication often results in family strife later on, as well as an inability for heirs to be sure they are fulfilling their parents’ wishes.
“The best way to diffuse potential family discord is to talk through all these things beforehand,” says Cyndy Ranzau, a wealth strategist at RBC Wealth Management–U.S.
While it may seem awkward or even self-serving to attempt a conversation with your parents about their estate plans, starting that dialogue is the only way you—and they—can be sure their wishes for their health and assets will be fulfilled.
You may be curious about your parents’ estate plans for many reasons, and those reasons are likely valid. But if you want to get your parents talking, you’ll need to approach the conversation with a focus on their point of view.
“As people age, there are generally two things that are really important to them: control and legacy,” says Angie O’Leary, head of Wealth Planning at RBC Wealth Management–U.S. “They want to feel they’re still in control of their world, and they want to feel that they’re leaving the legacy they hoped they would.”
With this in mind, O’Leary recommends starting the conversation from the legacy perspective. You might comment on how much your parents have worked and saved throughout their lives, and ask what they’d most like to do with their wealth. “Don’t preach to them; instead, focus on finding out what’s important to them,” she says. “It may be their grandchildren’s education, philanthropy, making sure family members take a vacation together every year, or that the family’s second home is maintained.”
By understanding what your parents value most, you and other heirs will be better equipped to use any potential inheritance in a way that would make them happy. This approach will also enable you to move from talking about what your parents value to discussing whether they’ve taken the necessary steps to make sure those values will be honored with their estate.
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When your parents start talking about their estate plans, there are a few important elements that you should be sure to ask about:
“Estate planning is a true act of caring on the parents’ behalf,” Ranzau says. “But to see their plans are carried out, communication is as important as the planning.”
In many cases, the conversation about estate plans is not a “one and done” experience. Your parents may not open up about their plans the first time you broach the subject, but “keep revisiting it,” Ranzau says. Over time, you may be able to show them that instead of looking out for your own interests, what you want is to make sure their wishes will be carried out. And the best way you can do that is to understand what their wishes are.
This article was updated in March 2025.
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