Why pre-planning your funeral matters

Intro Speaker:  

Hello, and welcome to Matters Beyond Wealth with your host, Leanne Kaufman, president and CEO of RBC Royal Trust. For most of us, talking about subjects like aging, late life, and estate planning isn’t easy. That’s why we’re going to help get the conversation started on this podcast while benefiting from the insights and expertise of some of the country’s top experts. We want to bring you information today that will help to protect you and your family in the future. Now, here’s your host, Leanne.

Leanne Kaufman:

We spend a lot of time talking about planning on this podcast, and often the topic slant towards planning for the inevitable. Well, today’s topic is about planning for the ultimate inevitable, specifically, planning our own funerals. Like a lot of other aspects of estate planning, most of us would frankly rather not think about this. But pre-planning protects your loved ones from having to make very difficult decisions about what you may or may not have wanted, at a time when they’re also struggling with grief and loss. However you might feel about this type of planning, consider it both your final act of compassion and the opportunity to design your funeral according to your own preferences and values.

Hello, I’m Leanne Kaufman and welcome to RBC Wealth Management Canada’s Matters Beyond Wealth. With me today is Jeffrey Weafer, president of the Funeral Services Association of Canada. Jeffrey’s career in this sector spans over 30 years with Arbor Memorial Services. He served on the Funeral and Cremation Council of Saskatchewan, which is the provincial regulator. He’s acted as chairperson of the Education and Professional Development Committee of that Council, and he continues to serve on the Council’s Finance and Audit Committee.

Jeff, thanks for being here with me today to talk about the benefits and options for end-of-life planning and why this matters beyond wealth.

Jeffrey Weafer:

Thank you, Leanne. I appreciate the opportunity to speak to your listeners and provide a little bit of education and share some of my experience for their benefit.

Leanne Kaufman:

Well, we’re glad to have you.

I think we’ve all seen a real change in the way lives are celebrated when they come to an end, particularly what we lived through during COVID and how that’s framed where we are now in these post-COVID restriction eras. So why don’t we kind of go back to first principles a little bit though and say, why do funerals still matter to us as a society?

Jeffrey Weafer:

In terms of grieving and loss, pressing pause and taking a moment to honor a life well-lived. Reflect on that loss and who are we tomorrow after the person who we’ve lived a significant portion of our life with is now physically not with us. So, from a grief and loss point of view, it’s important.

It’s also important as a society, not just the family themselves, I say, experience a loss, but an entire community—they may have a relationship with an individual. When we see high profile losses that happen and the public tunes into a broadcast service because it matters. The life that we live and the experiences that we share matter.

By taking a moment [with a] funeral, and whatever that format is for a family to acknowledge that loss is important. Otherwise, if we just carry on, it’s almost death by disappearance. And we know from a grief and loss point of view, folks carry that forward and it can infect all areas of their lives.

Leanne Kaufman:

Yeah, that’s really well said. And I can see that closure point versus the death by disappearance as you mentioned. So let’s talk about that, what happens when people don’t plan funerals? What do you end up seeing then?

Jeffrey Weafer:

Well, there is a perception that especially with technology, we have folks that they literally can pick up a mobile device and they can plan—arrange for cremation, say for example. And as funeral professionals across the country we’ll hear every day, “Well, I think it’s just easier. We just need to get through this. So let’s just arrange for cremation for now, and I guess we’ll figure out the rest later.” So by not having an event such as a funeral or taking that time, as we all know in life we can’t just carry on. When things happen in our worlds, it’s important to press pause. So one, there’s settling an estate, things that need to be attended to, and by sitting down with a professional who can help guide them through that process and connect them with resources such as the estate planning of folks through RBC.

Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to work with that division of RBC, outstanding resource for families who have experienced the loss because often folks don’t know where to turn. They don’t know they’re overwhelmed by the emotional loss, but also anyone who has had act as an executor. I know my father when he was first asked to be an executor he thought it was an honor, and then he realized how much work it can be. So it can be overwhelming. So sitting down to one, plan out the events to reflect on that life, celebrate, honor, memorialize. Then there’s the aftermath of settling an estate, and it can be an awful lot of work for—maybe it’s all placed on one individual. Or maybe there’s strife in the family and there hasn’t been conversations in advance. So there’s disagreements over what wishes could be. So it is important just to take the time to walk through this common experience of loss and make appropriate end-of-life decisions because for those who are surviving, they do last a lifetime. So it’s important to think those things through.

Leanne Kaufman:

So let’s talk about the pre-planning part of it, because you mentioned if someone hasn’t done the pre-planning, and as I mentioned in my opening, it just adds to the grief and loss and stress. But what sort of things is it possible to pre-plan and what do you consider the benefits of doing that pre-planning?

Jeffrey Weafer:

There’s a number of things that one can do. One, organize your financial affairs. And that’s not my field of expertise, but I can tell you the difference in a family who has taken the time to create a Will, to create a financial plan. The peace that you see through that family or the peace of mind knowing that we have all those elements in place, we don’t have to worry about that, it’s important.

Pre-planning say their funeral choices or their end-of-life choices with that respect, definitely peace of mind for the family.

I’ve sat with a family who had no idea that their mother had over a period of time, a number of years, had piece by piece made all her arrangements. The point where I had a daughter say to me, “No, no, you must be confused. Our mother would never have done that.”  And I had to literally turn the pre-planning contract and show her her mother’s signature. And I said, “I spoke with your mother a number of times over the years. In fact, she tried to give me the blue dress that she wanted to be dressed in.” And seeing that signature and the daughter, she just said, “Oh my goodness, that dress is hanging in the closet. So, you did speak with my mom. How could she have afforded this? Our mother was of very little means.” And she had put money aside into a plan every month.

The unselfish gift that that was for a family, and [to] that particular family I said, “this truly was a gift of love from your mother, because she didn’t want you to have to make these decisions at an emotionally charged and stressful time.”

So, taking the time in advance—

• one, making sure your wishes are honored;
• making sure that you’ve selected an executor who will carry out your wishes;
• communicate those wishes with your family, but get what you want, lay your wishes out; have a conversation with a professional who can answer those questions.

In your community, get to meet the people who would be serving your family at that time, working with your family members and make a decision. Are these folks that I would like to work with? Consumers have choice. In every community there’s choice, there’s a wide range of death care providers. Go look at the facilities. Is it going to be an event through your religious institution? Is it going to be at a community facility? Is it going to be at the funeral home itself? Just get a sense of how well you’d be served, but planning out your wishes and then communicating those wishes so that your family will follow that.

I can tell you, I witnessed a choir practice last week where the choir director—I had known him for years—he was making end-of-life comments talking about, “Well, this might be the last year that I direct this choir.” And his daughter, “Oh, dad, you’re going to be around five, 10 years. Come on, let’s not talk about that.” And yet that same gentleman has several times reached out to me and said, “I need to come and see you. I need to have a conversation.” But his family’s not quite prepared for that. But that person who has lived their life and say, “You know, I think it’s realistic that we look at the inevitable and put these pieces in place. So we can get on with living and we can focus all our energy on that.”

And we’ve also seen families who have not planned in advance and they’re devastated. And literally I have sat with a family of five and said, “Now, it was your father’s wish for burial or cremation?” And the family has looked at me and said, “Well, what is the difference? We know nothing about this. Well, how does this all work?” And I’ll explain, because funeral professionals are there to educate. Just like estate planning, financial planners, they’re there to educate. They’re there to help the family make informed choices. And that’s why it’s important to have these conversations in advance so you can make informed choices.

So, I’ve sat with a family, that family that hadn’t had that conversation, explained, one by one, they looked at each other and said, “Well, I guess I think we’ll go with cremation.” And then the one son said, “Well, no, Dad never talked to me about that. You’re not cremating my father, and I’ll see you in court.” And literally got up and left.

So, it’s an opportunity for stress when it is stressful enough. So having a conversation really, really does help in terms of healing, but also the logistics of let’s establish who’s in charge, who is the executor. Each province has a different designation in terms of who is ultimately in charge of one’s wishes when a death occurs. And just smoothing out a stressful process by having conversations in advance.

Leanne Kaufman:

And taking the guesswork out of it. To your point, what would mom or dad have wanted? I understand that most families don’t sit down talking about these things willingly. Only probably out of necessity if they choose to do it at all. But I can really see the benefit of taking the guesswork out. And in today’s world, there’s so many options and choices as you mentioned. And there’s pretty significant cultural differences too, amongst the way lives are celebrated. And perhaps the way that the individual sees their life celebrated isn’t consistent with what the culture or practice of a particular community might otherwise traditionally show. So can you talk about that at all, about how you’ve seen cultural traditional changes maybe even in particularly post-COVID?

Jeffrey Weafer:

Absolutely, and that’s an excellent point. [In] Canada we’re a melting pot of cultures. We have folks who have lived here all their lives, built their lives here in Canada. Or folks who have chosen Canada—to come halfway around the world through stresses that most Canadians can’t even imagine to be become Canadian. Often they’ll bring steeped ritual and tradition, maybe it’s around faith, maybe it’s around culture. Or communities like First Nations communities in Canada who are steeped in culture and rituals surrounding loss and death.

I’ve literally sat with a family that had a daughter say, “Well, mom and dad were Buddhists but I’m Catholic and my husband’s atheist, so can we get the monks to come on Wednesday night, but then have a mass at the church on Thursday morning and then cremate after that? And I guess my husband has some different ideas of what we’re going to do. How do we do this, Jeff?” That’s a real question.

Or someone says, “Well, Mother’s favorite song was ‘Wind Beneath my Wings’ by Bette Midler. And yeah, the service is going to be at the Greek Orthodox Church.” And since the daughter haven’t been at the church recently, or ever, that sort of music is not appropriate for a service at the church.

So, it’s about educating on the choices.

Since COVID, there have been an evolution of changes embracing technology, families—one when no one could travel or limited attendance available—so watching families still try and honor religious traditions or cultural traditions, blending that with technology.

Right from the two examples, one of the most complicated events we had through COVID, a family of Anglican background, their Anglican priest was two provinces away and said, “I’m not coming.” There’s limited to 35 people. And so it’s call and response,  meaning that those were in attendance, the clergy would say something, a prayer and those in attendance would respond. They also had a video tribute, three song video tributes to be played, two live musicians, two recorded pieces, and they wanted live-streamed all over the world. Now that happened, I made that happen.

So we’re still honoring their faith traditions and we’ve had visitations or viewings to honor tradition where they’ve used technology. Literally a daughter arranged for a viewing for her entire family, and she showed up for the visitation. And I said, “So did you want to wait for the other family to come?” She held up her iPad and said, “We’re all ready to go.” And one by one, she dialed into using a platform like FaceTime, and gave each person an opportunity to view and say goodbye to her father. Then at the very end, she brought everyone into the group and they all sang a family song. And that was their entire funeral; that viewing and then cremation.

We also had embracing technology as recently as three weeks ago. Had a service where it was a younger person who passed away, person in their late 20s. And the clergy—basically we had a large screen at the front of the service—said, “Everybody, normally we want to silence your devices, your phones, before the service begins. But today I want you to take it out. Okay? Okay, I want you to take it out. You’re ready? Everybody got your phone out? I would like you to go and find your favorite picture that encapsulates a memory that you cherish with this person. And I want you to hold your phone up, your camera, click on that link and that’s going to allow you to post that picture with a small caption onto the screen up in front of us.” And everyone who’s in the stream can also see that. So it was almost like a living memorial and a tribute to that person. Now, very, very powerful for that particular family because their son had been a semi-professional hockey player. And from age 14, as the father said to me, “Our son was raised by other people because he was billeted all around the world.” And he said, “So these memories that people are posting, we always thought we raised a good son.” He said, “But this is absolute proof, we feel so blessed.”

So that’s an opportunity for technology to come into that grieving space and provide comfort and support.

But yes, the different ethnic traditions are possible through technology, but there has been a significant evolution. We’ve gone from death occurs and there’s several days of viewing and there’s a casket, and we go to a religious institution and everyone’s quiet, no one speaks. And then there’s a reception afterwards and through to, I’ve had a son say, “My dad said no funeral. He didn’t want any fuss over him, so I guess we’ll just arrange for cremation.”

In that particular case, I could tell that the family needed to do something. And I said to the son—well, they’re hard-working folks—and I said, “We’ll stretch your legs. Come with me, walk with me.” We went to a reception area and we stood in that space and I said, “Tell me about your dad. Who was he?” And he said, “I don’t know how that’s relevant. I just need to arrange for cremation.” I said, “Well, I didn’t have the privilege of meeting your dad, but if I could look at an 8 x 10 glossy picture and it would encapsulate the primary elements of his life, what would I see?” And the son said, “I don’t know, my dad liked a good time. I don’t know.” I said, “What would be a perfect day for him?” He said, “Well, he’d be surrounded with friends and family. He’d be standing at his grill cookin’ burgers and ‘dogs for everybody. He’d have a beer in his hand and be wearing that silly hat he always wore when he cooked. And we’d be laughing and telling stories, and he’d have one of his favorite jukeboxes (he’d collected these jukeboxes) in the corner.” And so I said, “Okay, well, try this on. We put party mix on the tables. We serve beer. We bring your dad’s big grill, we put it out in the patio and we cook burgers and ‘dogs, and we have his favorite jukebox in the corner and we’ll play that. And we’ll have a master of ceremonies that’ll tell some of your family stories.” So the son said, “I got to think about that.” Next day calls, and he says, “I really think we’re onto something here. My sister says this is a good idea.”

So after that happened, the event itself—on the way out the door that room, the son he tapped the door frame and he said, “That’s the best funeral I’ve ever been to.” And I said, “Hey, hey, hey. We weren’t going to use that word.” And he said, “Well, whatever you want to call it, Jeff.” He said, “The only thing missing tonight was my dad.” And I said, “But he wasn’t missing, he was here. Keep him alive in the stories in those memories. Speak your father’s name.” I said, “Your dad sounded like a person I would’ve really enjoyed meeting.” He said, “I’m sorry you didn’t meet him, Jeff.” He said, “Because you two would’ve hit it off.” His father loved to laugh.

Leanne Kaufman:

Lots of different ways to honor—

Jeffrey Weafer:

Absolutely.

Leanne Kaufman:

Yeah. And there’s no longer a playbook, maybe is a good way to say it. What about green—I’m in air quotes here—green or eco-friendly options? What are you seeing trending in that direction?

Jeffrey Weafer:

Green is a real talking point with families who want to know what green options are, and many perceive that well, embalming isn’t green so we don’t want to do that. There’s actually green methods for embalming, and embalming isn’t a bad word. It’s a temporary preservation of natural form and colors so that families can have as positive a memory picture as possible for their final farewell. And there are green options with that, alcohol-based solutions, things like that.

Green, you’ll see online wicker caskets, and you’ll see places in different parts of the world where [they] bury the individual and plant a tree over top. There are options like that. They’re not terribly common. They’re offered in, virtually every death care provider in Canada will have green options, whether it’s from using recycled stationary to all kinds of different possibilities.

So, there are very few cemeteries in Canada that allow for a green burial. There are a few on Vancouver Island, but it’s something that the consumers are interested in.

But in a recent conversation with a death care provider who had a wicker casket and a whole section in the casket selection area or the cremation container selection area where families would go to choose and urn. I said, “Do many folks choose that in your business?” He said, “No.” He said, “Everybody wants to talk about it though.” He said, “But very few families actually make that choice.” I do see it as a growth area, as consumers become more educated. So, there are green options in Canada, absolutely.

Leanne Kaufman:

Well, Jeff, this has been a fascinating conversation, and I’m sure I only touched on a few of the questions that I could have asked you around both what you’re seeing changing and all the pre-planning aspects that are available to us. But if you hope that our listeners today just remember one thing from the conversation you and I have had, what would that one thing be?

Jeffrey Weafer:

It would be, have the conversation. Speak to those that matter most to you. If you are so inclined, take the step to speak with a professional and put your pen to paper as it were, and make your wishes known. By making end of life choices in advance frees us to be present in the moments that matter really, in this lifetime. That would be the biggest message. One of the gifts I’ve been given through this work: make moments matter. I was blessed to have a father who did that. He made moments matter. And even though my father passed away in 2018, I can just close my eyes and go back to moments in his lifetime as he raised us. He made them matter.

By having those conversations, you free yourself up to honor, and live in the moment, be present, which is so important in this time where we’re all caught up with technology and everything’s moving at a blistering pace. Make moments matter. Be present.

Leanne Kaufman:

Great advice. Great advice in this arena and more broadly.

So thank you so much, Jeffrey, for joining me today to talk about some of these considerations in our end of life and funeral planning. And the evolving trends and traditions the industry is seeing, and why all of this matters beyond wealth.

Jeffrey Weafer:

Thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time to help educate your listeners. Take care.

Leanne Kaufman:

You can find out more about Jeffrey Weafer and this topic at fsac.ca or at arbormemorial.ca. If you enjoyed this episode and you’d like to help support the podcast, please share it with others, post about it on social media or leave a rating and review. Until next time, I’m Leanne Kaufman. Thank you for joining us.

Outro speaker:

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