After losing her partner of 32 years, Lorraine was overwhelmed with grief. Then came the challenges of estate settlement and taking on the finances. Here’s how she found direction to get through it.
Lorraine and Shelley were both successful professionals who owned their own businesses—Lorraine in communications consulting and Shelley in event management, the couple had worked hard to build a full, rewarding life together. Living sensibly and making the most of opportunities, everything had been humming along smoothly. When it came to financial responsibilities in their household—as is the case with many busy couples and families—managing finances and the related decision-making sat primarily with one person, and that person was Shelley. It was a role Shelley naturally gravitated towards, and Lorraine was content with her partner looking after that part of their lives.
As Lorraine explains, “It worked for us, she liked doing it, and I was content putting myself in the backseat with those types of decisions. I think we all tend to go to our strengths, and financial management was one of her strengths, so it made sense she was the one who took the lead role with our household finances, investments and everything in that regard.”
For a number of years, the couple had favoured self-directed investing, and they were comfortable with how that process and approach worked for them. With Shelley’s financial knowledge and confidence, they felt self-directed investing was a good fit, and Lorraine was likewise content it was working for their needs and circumstances throughout that period of time. Looking back on this now, as Lorraine shares, “I think part of that was not recognizing at the broader level the benefits and comprehensive planning and support that working with an advisor could offer. In some ways, I think we stuck with what was familiar, and it came down to the fact that we just didn’t know what we didn’t know at the time.”
In 2010, Shelley started experiencing health challenges and she was soon diagnosed with breast cancer. “Right from the start, we remained hopeful,” shares Lorraine. “She went through treatment, and following that, it seemed positive that everything was stable. Then she had a recurrence two years later. Once again, we stayed optimistic and life carried on. The turning point was the third recurrence in 2018.”
As Lorraine describes, with Shelley’s second occurrence, they began discussing the idea of getting an advisor. But after the third occurrence, things unraveled too quickly.
In the thick of it, the emotions and stress were all-encompassing and any decisions felt like too much during their crisis point.
“When you’re faced with incredibly emotional and intensely difficult situations like this, it’s consuming,” shares Lorraine. “It was almost impossible to even think about wrapping my brain around anything financial or estate related in those moments—it’s just not something you want to deal with when your focus and worry is on your loved one.”
In that eleventh hour, Lorraine just had to rely on the fact that their financial and estate details were generally in order, and they had a Will in place, which they believed would provide that level of protection as the foundation.
After eight years of valiantly facing cancer, Shelley passed away in 2018.
In the wake of Shelley’s passing, Lorraine herself felt completely lost. “Losing a partner after 32 years was the most devastating loss, and for me, this happening later in life was very hard,” she shares. “It was all I could do to cope day-to-day, trying to live without my partner.”
Lorraine quickly realized that she was unprepared for life on her own. “In addition to the emotional impact, when it came to our financials, I didn’t know where to start. If we went through this all again, we wouldn’t have waited so long to get the professional help of an advisor. There are so many intricacies and details that make up your entire financial picture. Faced not only with the process of handling and settling the estate aspects, but taking on the financial responsibilities that I was unfamiliar with—the task was absolutely daunting,” shares Lorraine.
“Being an executor means dealing with a mountain of paperwork, and it’s easy to miss deadlines and submissions,” she explains. “One of the first things I did was head to my local RBC branch with the death certificate, and I was connected with someone from RBC Royal Trust. That was my first contact. He explained the options and that it was possible to choose an Agent for Executor to help with some or all of the executor duties, which has been instrumental in navigating this process and easing the burden.”
Around the same time, a close contact also recommended an advisor in Lorraine’s area. “When I was connected with him, I was totally overwhelmed and distraught in trying to pick up the pieces and figure out where they belonged. When he came to meet with me, the first thing he said was: ‘We’re not going to talk about money today; we’re just going to help you. We’re going to help you through your grief and estate challenges.”
Both of these introductions and connections marked a major turning point for Lorraine: “It was in these moments that I could finally take a breath, that I realized ‘Help is on the way,’” she explains.
From there onward, with the help of her advisor and his team, Lorraine has felt continually reassured and supported. As she explains, “I generally knew the value of having an advisor, but I didn’t realize the scope of that relationship.”
“On the finances side, they took care of everything. I was able to move everything over and gain assurance that my investments and overall plans are properly looked after. Through my advisor, there’s also great support from a team of experts who work in tandem to make sure all of my details are aligned to fit my needs and wishes.”
But for Lorraine, further to the financial peace of mind, what really strikes her is the softer side of the advisor-client relationship. “There’s the huge emotional piece as well. Working with my advisor and his team, it’s not just about the numbers and the finances; it’s my life and what I’ve been through, and my goals,” she explains. “By having an advisor who knows me, knows my wishes, values and aspirations, who acts as my sounding board, I feel confident both for myself and for my younger family members down the road.”
Going through this experience has taught Lorraine that “whether we like having the difficult conversations or not, we never know what could happen. We have to encourage ourselves and others to build an awareness, realizing we may need to take on the burden of handling an estate or take the lead role as financial decision-maker at some point.”
Going through this challenging experience has given Lorraine new perspective on the importance of building an awareness, having open dialogue with loved ones, and being proactive with planning, and the peace of mind it can bring.
It has also broadened Lorraine’s awareness of the value that an advisor and a holistic team approach brings. And having gone through it first-hand, her message for others is strong:
“First, both people in a relationship need to get involved regardless of your family dynamics or personal situation, or you’ll be scrambling at some point. Don’t wait for a crisis or critical illness or when life takes you by surprise,” she emphasizes. “The reality is that in all likelihood, someone in the relationship will one day have to go it alone.”
And while accepting that likelihood is difficult to digest for many, Lorraine thinks people need to think about it differently: “It’s your life and your financials that you’ve worked so hard to achieve, so don’t leave that to chance. Whether it’s your financial, investment or estate planning—or all three—seek help from qualified professionals as early as you can.”
“And if you have the feeling of putting it on the backburner, don’t. If there’s anything you should be making time for, it’s this, especially if you have loved ones you want to leave a legacy to.”
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